A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
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Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more