WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
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When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
*serious situation*
My brain:
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.