Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
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So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
This is painfully accurate 😅
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.