My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
You Might Also Like
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Wait a minute
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!