I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
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I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
This will never not be funny to me.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it