I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
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“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
*puts words between two asterisks*
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
The biggest mystery of our time
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”