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My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…