I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
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Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
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[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Time for evil
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.