Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
You Might Also Like
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.