I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
You Might Also Like
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.