instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
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Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
wow he looks just like him
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.