*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
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AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma