The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
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Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
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Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Just parrot things
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people