On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
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ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Lol #dogsoftwitter
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.