My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
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ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.