employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
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Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.