H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
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Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.