I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
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This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Never forget.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.