I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
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Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
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FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”