If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
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…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Mhm.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.