why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
You Might Also Like
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Cats (2019)
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
I hope it’s French Onion!
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.