My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
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911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
the battle rages on
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire