Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
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[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING