If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
You Might Also Like
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!