I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
You Might Also Like
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
The best shot in the history of golf
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?