I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
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twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses