Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
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There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally