3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
You Might Also Like
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
My patience has stretch marks.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”