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captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar