Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
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customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Is fructose made with real fruct?
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
termite twitter scares me