There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
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Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password