Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
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If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Saturday
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.