You Might Also Like
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
The “baby” on the left….
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother