My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
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My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Kentucky names the shit out of places