Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
You Might Also Like
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.