ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
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Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram