My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
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I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.