Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
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My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
no!! no!!!!!!
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Sombrero is better than nobrero.