Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
You Might Also Like
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second