Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
You Might Also Like
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind