Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
You Might Also Like
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
multitasking lunch
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!