My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
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I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
When I can’t barge, I careen.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter