if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
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Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
How do dragons blow out candles?
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.