Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
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When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.