HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
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ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Steam Forums
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered