People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
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Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave