Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
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“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.