There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
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accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.