them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
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Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
3% human
97% stress
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.