Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
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I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.